My Special Gift...

Or maybe it's my curse. But I have recently had an epiphany about a very special ability I have. A latent mutant power if you will. The ability to make women go from zero to bitch in under 3 seconds. If I am not mistaken that's better than Ferrari, Lamborghini & Porsche. This is, of course, without so much as even making the attempt to do so, through absolutely no forethought of my own. To quote Richard B Riddick, "how interesting."

I know I promised to talk about crazy LA women, but bear with me. There is an LA chick in this story.

EXHIBIT A
Recently, Brooklyn recommended a book to me. Now, keep in mind, this was several days ago. And when she told me about it I told her that I was adding it to my Amazon wishlist. This, I assumed, would give the impression that it would be ordered at some later date. Or so I thought. Flash forward to today and I awake to find a missed call from her. I call her back and her first question to me is if I bought the book yet. Um, no. And at this point she is not very happy because I had almost a week to buy this brilliant piece of work. The rest of the conversation didn't last long. It ended with her smacking her lips on what ever she was eating and telling me she would call me back when she was done. Now she and I are old friends so I know her tones and inflections. And, more importantly, I know how she is with me. She was not happy. We have since worked out this disagreement. And yes I have purchased the book (for about $8 and some change). Which should go a long way to maintaining harmony in our relationship.

EXHIBIT B
This needs needs some back story. Several months ago my accountant tried to hook me up with this chick he knows. An older asian chick that likes black men and lives in Gardena. As I live in the Valley this has not be conducive to the actual hooking up part. For my folks familiar with the ATL that's like me living in Alpharetta and her living in College Park. Between that and the fact that she isn't particularly interested in guys younger than her (she is 40 and I am 33) our exploits have been confined to the occasional phone conversation and an e-mail every once and a while.

We were supposed to meet up for lunch or dinner or something this afternoon. We talked about this last week. As she would be on vacation from her 2nd job and Monday is my off day we agreed this would be as good a time as any. My job was to pick a place for us to meet. Initially it was to be between the Valley and her place but as time went on it went from that to where ever I wanted to meet at. Even Burbank. Cool. All I had to do was e-mail her the place and she would get directions and go. So, I chose a spot in Burbank and e-mailed her the info. Only to have her e-mail me back her concerns about taking the 5. She wanted me to call her last night after her favorite show (Desperate Housewives, yeah, like you didn't see that coming) so we could talk about it. I forgot. Sue me. My boy VCD came over and having not seen him for weeks we had some brews, kicked it and watched the Venture Bros (one of the funniest shows on TV by the way if you ever get a chance to catch it on Adult Swim). By the time I realized, it was too late to call so I pretty much fucked around and decided something was better than nothing. At around 2am I e-mailed her just that. Told her it was too late to call and that anywhere we went in the afternoon there would probably be traffic. I mean come on people this is LA. And she did tell me she would meet me anywhere.

And so we come to this morning. In addition to Brooklyn's missed call I have an e-mail from this chick as well. Stating that she isn't sure she wants to go know since I didn't call. Ok, at this point I assume she is pissed. And then I see that she called me at some point this morning too. I'm not sure when as I have purged my call data on my phone (I do this from time to time). But suffice it to say the extent of her message was "call me." Of course, I hesitate as I know where this is going. The convo started off well enough and throughout I was calm and rational. But she was pissed because I hadn't call. Period. She didn't care about the reason. She didn't care that she could have called me to remind me. She didn't care that I might not have gotten the e-mail until it was to late. Nothing. I didn't call. She should not have had to call and remind me (or just called after her show was over, I don't fuckin' watch it so how should I know when it's done). Natrually, me being me, I expressed to her that this was drama. And her response was to question whether I could handle it. That, of course, is not the point. It's whether I want to or not. And I said as much. From there I wanted to know what she wanted to do and her response to me was that she didn't think she wanted to go because I had an attitude. Um, yeah. If I didn't before, I do know. Keep in mind I pointed out to her that she was the one that was mad at me. I wasn't mad her and not only that I didn't have an attitude about the situation. So naturally we didn't go. Though she did thank me for calling her back. Now this is a 40 year old woman people. And she had the nerve to ask me again at the being of the conversation how old I was (I say again because she has asked me this before). As if I was somehow being immature (at least in retrospect that is how I took it, it was a very out of the blue question that came from and went nowhere). I wasn't mad. I wasn't even upset. I didn't come at her crazy. I just explained myself and she didn't care. And I'm the one with the attitude? You gotta be fuckin' kiddin' me?

And that ladies and gentlemen is the amazing talent God has seen fit to bless me with. Pissing off woman. I know this to be true because I don't have any conflict with my male friends. If only I could get paid off this shit. All it's doing for me know is leaving me dateless. But you know what? As long as I'm drama free, I don't even care...